Hot Boudin, Cold Cous-Cous...

A State of College Football: Yeah, This Kind of Sucks:

This week is, for all intents and purposes, the midpoint of the regular college football season, so it’s as good an opportunity as any to assess which teams have a viable shot at coming away with the crystal. You may remember from my second post ever on HTF, I dwelled on how this college football season should be rather fun, as there was no clear-cut preseason favorite for the first time since 1998:

“I can’t remember the last time there wasn’t a consensus preseason #1, or at least one decidedly superior to #2 on paper. 2003 had Oklahoma. 2001-02 had Miami. 1999-2000, Florida State. This season, it seems as if you could crown any team in the preseason and then spend the next hour convincing yourself they’re not worthy. I’ve already delved through the strengths and weaknesses of every top-15 team (a line had to be drawn at some point)—no team stands out in anyone’s preseason poll.”

And I may have mentioned how this season had the makings of a really fun one, with all this new-found uncertainty before the season started. No season in recent memory was less fun than last when looking at the big picture, as #1 USC and #2 Texas stayed the course all season:

“In retrospect, last college football season was just one four-month College Gameday outside of the Rose Bowl.”

Well, 2006 is trying its hardest to supplant 2005 as the most disappointing season of the ‘00s. Here’s where we stand right now:

The Contenders

Ohio State / Michigan: Each team’s season comes down to the November 18 matchup at a rare Columbus primetime atmosphere. I am certain Ohio State survives 11-0 to this game; not so sold on Michigan yet. Really, if Michigan is the number two or three team in the country right now, we’re in trouble. I need to see Michigan dominate somebody not being quarterbacked by Brady Quinn. Anybody. Vanderbilt? Minnesota? Anyone but Notre Dame?

I'm pretty sure the Cubans are willing to trade you to the whites, Chapelle Show-style, for cash considerations.

Ohio State, however, seems to be getting better as the season goes on—they looked downright businesslike in a hostile (yet predictably underwhelming) Iowa crowd three weeks ago. They’re so fucking boring though. Give me something, Buckeyes. I get it, Troy Smith and Ted Ginn are a really effective combo. The defense, led by Laurinaitis, is surprising everyone with how seamlessly they’ve maintained the defensive intensity from last season. Anthony Gonzalez is a more substantial tool than anyone expected. It’s not a good sign when the only time I’ve cracked a genuine Buckeye-related smile this season came from a box of chicken. I feel confident in saying one of these teams will be in the Fiesta Bowl.

You have a personality that's not crime-related? I'd posit you got Extra Crispy.

West Virginia / Louisville: Talk about low-profile. Are we not bracing ourselves for the string of losses to all but one other undefeated team and one of these teams inevitably making the title game? Is it even possible to play a one-game season? Louisville doesn’t even have their best player, and there’s a remote chance they’re the number two team in the country in January. This isn’t fun. West Virginia isn’t as good as I predicted over the summer, and Louisville is no better than any other Petrino year. So, yeah, this might be half of your title game, Tostitos. Can you imagine the crowd breakdown if it’s Ohio State/Michigan versus Louisville in the Fiesta? How many fans would make the journey and resist scalping the tickets for the Cardinals? 15,000? Less?

Is the Pink Taco ready for some couch-burnin', drankin', and John Denver?

Florida: This is all a moot point when they lose tomorrow night, but Florida gets classified as a contender in my book simply because they’re gradually improving as the season goes on. That’s really all it’s going to take to win the title this year. The SEC has never seen anything like the Leak/Tebow combination and (similarly to Fun ‘n Gun in the ‘90s) is downright confused as to how to defensively counter. The defense under offensive genius Urban Meyer is going tremendously unnoticed (much like Michigan). This is simply a team finding a way to win meaningful games. Florida’s also going for the near-impossible basketball and football title in the same year, something that would make my brown friends here very happy.

You're the new J.J. Redick of college sports. I will never get tired of Google Imaging you over the next three years.

Stop Kidding Yourself

USC: Am I supposed to believe that Dwayne Jarrett makes that much of a difference to the offense? You’ve got a first-year quarterback, a running back stable of unknowns, and a defense that’s clearly losing its intensity under Petey. Can you imagine how much these players must make fun of Carroll behind his back? Do they even follow a curfew during road games? I’m excited for the inevitable Outside the Lines episode in 2008.

Fast-forward to 2008, when Petey is scolded in the Bob Ley Voice for buying strippers for and drinking purple drank with the boys. But he's a players coach...

Texas: The optimism over here is surreal. No, seriously, keep rooting for each Contender to drop locks of games while you go about running your Major Applewhite/Chance Mock Special of an offense. In the past two months, I’ve gone from mild interest to cold neutrality when it comes to Longhorn football. And I’m about three more Quan Cosby articles away from hating the team.

Lucky to Be in the Conversation

Notre Dame: Brady Quinn’s not a very good quarterback, especially when losing. Charlie Weis is clearly less of a motivator than anyone suspected, which is kind of a problem in college football. The talent limitations are still clearly showing in several phases of their game. Tom Zbikowski’s probably taped a photo of Mario Manningham to his punching bag already. They're a high-profile defensive coordinator hire from being a top-eight team. Don’t you dare consider Bo Pelini.

I got this when I Google Imaged Mr. Pelini. Reason #352 for us to match any offer this offseason.

Tennessee, Auburn, Clemson, Etc. You’re just too far down, too late. Pace.

So is this fun? I mean, there’s a 90% chance we’re staging a Ohio State/Michigan – West Virginia/Louisville four-team playoff when USC loses to California. Awesome. Oh, all that stuff about USC not being a very good team and all?

“Palm's approximation of the BCS standings this week (with one of six computer services still not released) has Ohio State first, Southern California second, Florida third, Michigan fourth and Louisville fifth.”

I really wanted to quote my boy Brad Edwards here, but of course Insider decided not to work at 1 AM on a Saturday morning. Anyway, this information comes with only one of the eight computer polls unavailable. So, approximately 96% of the formula is known by these projectors. That’s right, USC is your number two until proven otherwise. College Football!

Kentucky at LSU

I’m not even going to pretend this week; I know nothing about Kentucky other than they have a really good kick returner and Mike Archer is their defensive coordinator. Hey, at least he’s not pulling a Curley Hallman on us and teaching high school girls Western Civ.

Yeah, Mike, we're still using that same offensive playbook from 1990. Let the chess match begin.

What we have this year is a team that will roll over anyone they sense vulnerability from. We’ll trounce the non-conference teams, State, Ole Miss, etc., but when faced with a halfway-decent defense, all bets are off. We could be 8-4 just as easily as 10-2 at season’s end. That’s a helluva copout for a blogger, I know.

So behold JaMarcus throwing stupid (good) passes to Bowe, Davis, and the like against a weaker secondary. Listen to the crowd react to Buster lining up to receive punts (Chevis, you are no longer required to attend any special teams sessions, if they even exist). Watch Glenn Dorsey and LaRon continue their Halfway to All-America seasons (although I’d have to go with Darry Beckwith as being the second-most influential contributor on D behind Dorsey). Note the crowd’s awkward reaction to Mike Archer.

According to Facebook, Putt is from Gonzales a.k.a. CHINATOWN.

LSU 38 Kentucky 10 Final.

For the first time since 2002, I won’t be watching any of a game live. This is weird. Gamecasting… I pray to God this game’s not close.

- P.T.