These Are the 32 Best? Part 1:

Forgive me for not writing an NFL column in awhile. I’ve mentioned this before, but, somewhere among Brooks Bollinger and Derek Anderson, Kyle Orton and Andrew Walter, I’ve kinda lost interest in the National Football League. Remember, no more than three years ago, these were four quarterbacks who were lucky to escape Big Ten or Pac-10 mediocrity to make a New Year’s Day bowl game. And now they’re currently starting or have started multiple games for the Jets, Browns, Bears, and Raiders.

I'll start the Orton-to-the-Saints rumor if I have to.

I often find myself asking, really, these are the 32 best quarterbacks in the world? Sure, for every Bruce Gradkowski backdooring his way into a starting job, there’s a Matt Schaub still biding his time on the bench, talented yet waiting for a phone call. Someone please give Schaub’s cellphone number to the Raiders before we’re forced to watch Brady Quinn get sacked nineteen times a game next season. Fuck me, indeed.

Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger, Charlie Frye, JP Losman... I can understand the gamble taken with these lesser-known signal-callers. But it’s perplexing to see GMs draft a late-round quarterback who floundered for three years with more surrounding talent than Cutler, Roethlisberger, Frye, and Losman combined. Are we prepared for the Brodie Croyle era in Kansas City should Trent Green get paced again? How about Redskin QB Jason Campbell having trouble with his 2004 Hey, This Guy’s Not Half Bad! impression? By the way, having both Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams in your backfield—in college—tends to augment one’s potential. Just be prepared to see Drew Tate slipping into a Detroit uniform by next November.

Hey, Jay, sorry to be the bearer of bad news... but those are Doug Williams jerseys on the streets.

I’ll rank the current 32 NFL quarterbacks, right now. Not like finals week or anything:

1. Peyton Manning: if Marbles is the Yankees, which he is, then the Dallas and Jacksonville games were Matsui and Sheffield getting paced for the season.
2. Drew Brees: pretty much the reason for this column (see tomorrow).
3. Tom Brady: Montana, rings, Belichick... I'm kind of getting sick of him as well.
4. Carson Palmer: he thinks Flava Flav is smooth and K-Fed is legit.
5. Phillip Rivers: why not? Dude's done nothing to deter an ultra-talented team.
6. Marc Bulger: perhaps the most underrated player in the league.
7. Matt Hasselback: see you in New Orleans in the Divisionals.
8. Tony Romo: Tone-Tone had his inevitable reality check on national television, and it was glorious.
9. Trent Green: probably higher than Romo, whatever. Dude's got one of the most messed-up yet handsome faces ever.

Cro. Magnon.

10. Vince Young: I'm starting to think the world's not prepared for the VY era. He's a consistent Mike Vick.
11. Matthew Leinart: quietly making progress in the Taco, in more ways than one! LOL-vaulting.
12. Michael Vick: Mexico might decide to turn it on right before the playoffs.
13. Chad Pennington: really? Suddenly, the list takes a turn for the worse.
14. Rex Grossman: Rex, you did a lot of coke at UF, no?

... BALLLLL'NNNNNN!

15. Eli Manning: I'm convinced that without the Manning name, I'd be mentioning him right after Brodie.
16. Steve McNair: I'm excited for McNair in the playoffs.
17. Jeff Garcia: it takes a certain 16th-ranked quarterback to get booed for taking a hit and not asking to be benched.
18. Ben Roethlisberger: pacing life.
19. David Garrard: unpolished, inconsistent, from East Carolina.
20. Jake Delhomme: I think daylight came, Jake.
21. Joey Harrington: keep that Mauck business card in your top drawer, Sabes, just in case.
22. Brett Favre: all that matters is he's having fun out there.
23. J.P. Losman: I want to like Buffalo, truthfully. But when's the last time they were relevant?
24. David Carr: I'm wasting a lot of time on this thing.
25. Brad Johnson: all he does is, um, win.
26. Jay Cutler: he's been on the NFL network quite a bit.
27. Alex Smith: really, I don't think I've ever seen an Alex Smith play in my life.
28. Jon Kitna: I'd avoid him in almost every circumstance.

I'm tempted to iMDB Jon... I think he was the requisite schoolyard bully in a made-for-TV Disney movie or two.

29. Jason Campbell: no bitterness from HTF.
30. Derek Anderson: don't worry, Kellen and Braylon are helping build team chemistry as we speak.
31. Bruce Gradkowski: I'm a Bruce Gradkowski fan. He's a name you'll see often on quarterback montages of teams like the Bears.
32. Aaron Brooks/Andrew Walter: the play-in game. Hey, Aaron, you will pay attention to all five of Drew Brees's touchdowns.

I'm tired, I'll try to upload the rest tomorrow. I'm limping to the blogging finish line here; enjoy HTF before I join the TANBR team.

- P.T.

Beatin' These Teams, It's No Big Deal Big Deal:

Dev-Dev, crawllll'nnnnn.

- P.T.

Who's Bo Pelini Most Likely To Pull Out of Chris Owens by the Ear at 3 AM This Winter?

Browsing facebook this morning, I noticed that the ever-active Xavier Carter (what exactly is he doing these days?) had joined another group. This one was titled “LSU should be in the Rose Bowl!” In another vein, he has joined “LSU versus Notre Dame Sugar Bowl” and “LSU owns ND.” Actually, that last one is completely unjustifiable, the all-time series is 5-4 in favor of ND (very few teams have winning records against the Irish). Also, Xavier is a member of “Im tired of BITCHES sayin NIGGAS aint shit when BITCHES aint shit neither.” Seriously, take some time to befriend Pee Wee and peruse his questionable early morning facebook activities; Spencer has taken the extra step of poking X from his facebook mobile. Carter poked back.

Xavier is a valuable facebook entity to say the least.

Still, it’s troubling that Xavier is disappointed with LSU’s current bowl situation; it’s even more troubling that DE Charles Alexander agreed with him. I might be overanalyzing, but, on the small scale, I’m concerned about just how motivated Miles will have the team on January 3. On a larger scale, I’m concerned we’re gradually becoming a program more and more like Florida, Alabama, or Nebraska.

In the two weeks between the victory in Little Rock and the official bowl selection, the program, local media, and fans bathed in a frenzy comparable to 2003’s championship climax. The LSU ticket office dipped into the bottomless well of Rose Bowl tickets, to the tune of 42,000. (Note: it’s not like LSU fans still have those tickets. Bowl seats are sold on the basis of your team playing in that game. As opposed to…) Hotel reservations and plane fares whizzed around like a giddy, hapless governor with nothing more occupying than pointless lobbying.

I totally sat next to her at mass last December in Lafayette. Actually, that was the same day we found out about the Peach Bowl. That's fucking interesting. Could K-Bill be controlling everything?

On a personal level, HTF was preparing the Rose Bowl piece, thinking in his best Jeff Bebe voice: “You know who won the first Rose Bowl? Michigan. Eleven of them, eleven of us.” The popular page header would be adorned with a painstakingly detailed rose around Eddie Fuller’s helmet until the blog’s retirement in January. I even planned on digging up this old gem of an email sent to my father before the Florida game:

> Dad,
>
> I'm thinking I might skip the Monday and Tuesday of
> Thanksgiving week and come in for the Ole Miss game
> and stay that whole week. That would make more
> sense, and as long as I don't have a test on those
> days, I could do it. Just a thought, I'll get back
> to you on it later.
>
> I was thinking randomly today, if we win the rest of
> our games (I think we can), we'd probably get an
> at-large bid to the BCS. Assuming Auburn or an East
> team wins the conference, that would eliminate us
> from playing in the Fiesta or Sugar. Orange gets
> first choice this year, and would probably take
> Michigan at 11-1 against the ACC champion. So
> there's a good chance we'd be going to the Rose Bowl
> (if Ohio State goes to the Fiesta). Yeah, I know
> it's the second day of October...
>
> Pat

We’d bathe in Bacardi Limon. Cigars would be lit. We were going to the fucking Rose Bowl.

Part of me appreciates the #1 all-time ranking in winning percentage, but still, doesn't Michigan kind of roll over in every big game now?

It got to the point that, for some, seeing hated sudden-rival USC lose to UCLA on Saturday became disappointing. Um, this is the same team that has continuously succeeded in undermining the greatest moment of my life, right? Disappointment? The early returns and eventual announcement confirmed what we expected: the Rose Bowl had their desired Big Ten / Pac-10 matchup. Alley and Fave would not be rapping on The Tonight Show.

Fave has a sizable 26-teammate lead over Alley in the best rapper poll.

I know it’s difficult at this point, but reminisce to 2001, when a highly-underrated, Rohan-led offense derailed Tennessee’s national championship shot at Miami. Even the cheapest of hits on our star Jamaican couldn’t prevent an upset by the sudden newcomer, the first team from the West save Alabama to win the conference in, like, a really long time. And we were going to the fucking Sugar Bowl.

So why do these two paths seem so different? Sure, the program has radically changed since 2001 (and Skip Bertman isn’t given nearly enough credit), but doesn’t it feel good to join Florida as the only two schools to make the Final Four and a BCS bowl in the same calendar year? This is our third BCS bowl; no others in the West even come close. Hey, Auburn and 'Bama. We’re leading you both, 3-1. Be glad that $13.5 million is split among the twelve conference members; build yourself a nice new weight room in our name.

The Tide lost to awkward chestbumpers Tom Brady and David Terrell in the '00 Orange.

It will be interesting to see how motivated Coach Miles can get his squad. Because, really, we all laugh about it, but that’s kind of the man’s only job. You’ve got two coordinators who are annual mainstays in the head coach rumor mill; we’ll once again be blessed if Jimbo or Bo doesn’t sign onto the NC State or Arizona State job before New Year’s. But there is a marked difference between playing in a city less than 5 or 6 team members have stepped foot in… and playing eighty miles away. There’s a difference between appearing on national television (I could only hope for a Glenn Dorsey interview)… and having your team party at Zea Rotisserie.

Get ready, Mike VI.

But, on the surface, this shouldn’t be disappointing at all for Tiger fans. We’re fortunate enough to be considered a kneejerk at-large selection; the 2001 team would’ve definitely paced the Peach Bowl in a similar situation. Also, this gives us the rare opportunity for JaMarcus to exercise a Vince Young memorial while pocketing the game’s MVP trophy: “We’ll be back here next year. I’ll be back here next year.”

- P.T.

Liveblogging the BCS Selection Special:

6:49: It really will be interesting to see how FOX does this. Are they going to blow the Glendale load, ABC-style, right from the start? Or will they hold onto the climax until the very end, Prison Break-style? Let's see.

6:50: "College football has been woven into the fabric of America." Yeah, thanks, FOX, the same network that's been giving us only the Cotton Bowl for a decade. I've associated Ron Pitts with a splitting hangover for about five years now.

6:51: Shot of UF fratties... we're officially underway. Sadly, I don't see any dismayed looks in their future. All signs point to UF edging out the Wolverines with a 26-coach lead. Just how many text messages did Urban Meyer send out last night? hey les, ill pay for ur gas to NO myself! hopefully :) thx, urban.

Yeah, the three BCS berths are OK, but I'm beginning to think we're missing a step by not having a team cereal.

6:52: Your suspense-bearing trio: Chris Rose, Charles Davis, and Barry Alvarez. Subtract Chris Rose and Add Thom Brennaman and you have their championship booth trio. I might have a wet dream about Brad Nessler tonight.

6:54: The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #8 Boise State versus #12 Oklahoma. Not that bad a matchup, really. Stoops is probably still the best coach in the land, and Boise State might be the biggest question mark out there. Um, yeah, Dan Hawkins's stock is about as high as Drew Bledsoe's right now. Good luck riding out that contract, Colorado.

Lou Holtz's son?

6:56: Boise State fans in the school gymnasium! Look at 'em cheer! See, they celebrate the same way we do! That's a pimp JCPenney jacket with makeshift Bronco patch HC Chris Peterson is sporting. I'm excited.

6:58: Yeah, that's why the BCS put a fifth game in. It has absolutely nothing to do with money. Just the thought of Boise State players stuck in the MPCComputers.com Bowl was keeping Roy Kramer up at night. Prediction: this is the last year the 'BCS' system is used. It may be similar next year, but the letters 'BCS' have garnered such a sour connotation, I don't see the name surviving.

7:01: Pontiac Game Changing bullshit. There really weren't any spectacular plays that changed the game this season, were there? Can I just vote for Prothro again?

7:02: Verne Lundquist's wet dream of Tebow's jumpshot was shown again... kill me now. I can't wait till Florida gets rolled over and the program is set back a couple years, Nebraska-style. It's making me giddy.

7:02: FOX pretty much just sandwiched two commerical breaks with the Pontiac Game-Changing nominees. Never thought I'd say this, but I miss John "Black Canadian" Saunders.

Clubbin' at The V Foundation afterparty. If there's a God, John Saunders has a myspace.

7:04: Hey, stop showing the Boise State band, will you? I really don't give a shit; this is a team who clearly cannot get any higher than eighth in the rankings in any given season. But they really do manufacture skilled white running backs like potatoes over there. Go back to anonymity, please.

7:05: Your FedEx Orange Bowl pairs #14 Wake Forest against #6 Louisville. This I'm not too intrigued about. Wake Forest might be the ugliest team to win ten games ever, and the Cardinals will sleepwalk through their bowl again. Good luck with those ticket sales, though.

7:07: I'm flattered there's a Bengal Tiger in the Nissan 'Race for the Heisman' commercial. Surely, they must mean Chev-Chev or Justin Vincent.

America's favorite DB. All I want for Christmas is a freaking LSU letter jacket.

7:09: FOX has already given us a clue... all cameras on the Gators. Give us some pain, FOX. I want to see Chad Henne's mom in tears.

7:10: And yes, it's Florida versus Ohio State in the championship game. Personally, I can't wait. Jim Tressel's the best coach in the nation (along with Bob Stoops) and Urban Meyer's still tremendously overrated... some of those third-quarter calls were atrocious last night. Yes, please use three timeouts in the span of seven minutes on January 8. Oh my, indeed.

7:12: Your requisite Urban Meyer interview. Shouldn't all the Florida players be studying for finals right now? Nevermind, I'm pretty sure they're well-prepared.

We're a couple years from the inevitable sexual harassment scandal, just sit tight.

7:14: From one pretentious prick to another, here's James P. Tressel! Always Tressel-like, the man refused to cast a vote in the coaches poll. How about voting for Florida and fueling the rivalry with That School Up North? What a politically correct toolbelt.

7:16: "Just how close was the finish? Try ten one-thousandths of a point." Or, try one one-hundreth of a point, perhaps. Or maybe 10 million trillionths of a point. Barry Alvarez is walking off the set. Really, that finish isn't nearly as close as I'd expect (a 10.69% differential). I think the BCS is just making the numbers smaller so the Chris Roses of the world can get excited.

7:17: "This is the game we're dealt." FOX is certainly starting to build the hype here! I'm definitely calling FedEx with my Alltel to order some Tostitos Hint of Limes for the big game. Mission accomplished.

7:17: And the Alltel Sugar Bowl: Your #4 Tigers versus #11 Notre Dame. Mmmmmmmmm... how excited am I for just one LaRon hit on Brady Quinn? For just one pass to Bowe, Doucet, or Davis in the open field? For the opportunity to see a bigtime LSU game for the first time since Auburn 2005? To be in the dome for the first time since Katrina? Since the national championship? Pasadena freaking sucks this time of year anyway.

No homo.

7:18: Tiger highlights to 'Born on the Bayou.' I'll take it. Any national voicetime for Jim Hawthorne is a good thing. They really do love that Dorsey hit on the Arizona quarterback, for some reason. Sugar Bowl-bound!

7:20: The Rose Bowl: #3 Michigan versus #5 USC. Not too much to say about this one. Two teams who clearly don't want to be in sunny Pasadena in January. At least LSU fans have already started booking flights and hotel rooms, though. Go heckle John David Booty on the Tonight Show with your FUSC shirt; it's well worth it.

Remember, you're still Josh Booty's brother. Even the Browns got rid of him.

7:25: Mike Silve, BCS commissioner. "Attendance is up... interest is up..." Um, Mike, this isn't baseball. The BCS has nothing to do with putting fans in seats of school stadiums. Interest is up because the system is so ridiculous, even the average fan has raised an eyebrow. But, hey, thanks. Chris Rose to Slive: "What are you going to say to Lloyd Carr? To his kids?" Chris Rose has gotten exponentially harder.

7:28: Charles Davis, who is this guy? "I'm excited... I'm excited." I especially enjoy the 'someone should change this' on his Wikipedia page; he's officially FOX material. ABC really let go of this contract at just the right time. And to think, a mere two months ago I thought I'd be drunkenly freezing in Shreveport this bowl season. I love this team.

- P.T.