Hot Boudin, Cold Cous-Cous...

These Are the 32 Best? Part 1:

Forgive me for not writing an NFL column in awhile. I’ve mentioned this before, but, somewhere among Brooks Bollinger and Derek Anderson, Kyle Orton and Andrew Walter, I’ve kinda lost interest in the National Football League. Remember, no more than three years ago, these were four quarterbacks who were lucky to escape Big Ten or Pac-10 mediocrity to make a New Year’s Day bowl game. And now they’re currently starting or have started multiple games for the Jets, Browns, Bears, and Raiders.

I'll start the Orton-to-the-Saints rumor if I have to.

I often find myself asking, really, these are the 32 best quarterbacks in the world? Sure, for every Bruce Gradkowski backdooring his way into a starting job, there’s a Matt Schaub still biding his time on the bench, talented yet waiting for a phone call. Someone please give Schaub’s cellphone number to the Raiders before we’re forced to watch Brady Quinn get sacked nineteen times a game next season. Fuck me, indeed.

Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger, Charlie Frye, JP Losman... I can understand the gamble taken with these lesser-known signal-callers. But it’s perplexing to see GMs draft a late-round quarterback who floundered for three years with more surrounding talent than Cutler, Roethlisberger, Frye, and Losman combined. Are we prepared for the Brodie Croyle era in Kansas City should Trent Green get paced again? How about Redskin QB Jason Campbell having trouble with his 2004 Hey, This Guy’s Not Half Bad! impression? By the way, having both Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams in your backfield—in college—tends to augment one’s potential. Just be prepared to see Drew Tate slipping into a Detroit uniform by next November.

Hey, Jay, sorry to be the bearer of bad news... but those are Doug Williams jerseys on the streets.

I’ll rank the current 32 NFL quarterbacks, right now. Not like finals week or anything:

1. Peyton Manning: if Marbles is the Yankees, which he is, then the Dallas and Jacksonville games were Matsui and Sheffield getting paced for the season.
2. Drew Brees: pretty much the reason for this column (see tomorrow).
3. Tom Brady: Montana, rings, Belichick... I'm kind of getting sick of him as well.
4. Carson Palmer: he thinks Flava Flav is smooth and K-Fed is legit.
5. Phillip Rivers: why not? Dude's done nothing to deter an ultra-talented team.
6. Marc Bulger: perhaps the most underrated player in the league.
7. Matt Hasselback: see you in New Orleans in the Divisionals.
8. Tony Romo: Tone-Tone had his inevitable reality check on national television, and it was glorious.
9. Trent Green: probably higher than Romo, whatever. Dude's got one of the most messed-up yet handsome faces ever.

Cro. Magnon.

10. Vince Young: I'm starting to think the world's not prepared for the VY era. He's a consistent Mike Vick.
11. Matthew Leinart: quietly making progress in the Taco, in more ways than one! LOL-vaulting.
12. Michael Vick: Mexico might decide to turn it on right before the playoffs.
13. Chad Pennington: really? Suddenly, the list takes a turn for the worse.
14. Rex Grossman: Rex, you did a lot of coke at UF, no?

... BALLLLL'NNNNNN!

15. Eli Manning: I'm convinced that without the Manning name, I'd be mentioning him right after Brodie.
16. Steve McNair: I'm excited for McNair in the playoffs.
17. Jeff Garcia: it takes a certain 16th-ranked quarterback to get booed for taking a hit and not asking to be benched.
18. Ben Roethlisberger: pacing life.
19. David Garrard: unpolished, inconsistent, from East Carolina.
20. Jake Delhomme: I think daylight came, Jake.
21. Joey Harrington: keep that Mauck business card in your top drawer, Sabes, just in case.
22. Brett Favre: all that matters is he's having fun out there.
23. J.P. Losman: I want to like Buffalo, truthfully. But when's the last time they were relevant?
24. David Carr: I'm wasting a lot of time on this thing.
25. Brad Johnson: all he does is, um, win.
26. Jay Cutler: he's been on the NFL network quite a bit.
27. Alex Smith: really, I don't think I've ever seen an Alex Smith play in my life.
28. Jon Kitna: I'd avoid him in almost every circumstance.

I'm tempted to iMDB Jon... I think he was the requisite schoolyard bully in a made-for-TV Disney movie or two.

29. Jason Campbell: no bitterness from HTF.
30. Derek Anderson: don't worry, Kellen and Braylon are helping build team chemistry as we speak.
31. Bruce Gradkowski: I'm a Bruce Gradkowski fan. He's a name you'll see often on quarterback montages of teams like the Bears.
32. Aaron Brooks/Andrew Walter: the play-in game. Hey, Aaron, you will pay attention to all five of Drew Brees's touchdowns.

I'm tired, I'll try to upload the rest tomorrow. I'm limping to the blogging finish line here; enjoy HTF before I join the TANBR team.

- P.T.