The Sugar Bowl Preview: Yes, I Am Still Alive:

Some notes on the past twenty (chili dog) days or so that I've spent drinking and watching Madden Nation. That fucking Aussie guy annoys me to no end; did the Make a Wish foundation secure him a spot on the bus or something? Also, I don't currently have an operating computer to call my own.

- Nick Saban to Alabama. Man, activate that Johnny Damon Immediate Hate Switch chop-chop. I mean, I've been the guy's biggest supporter the past two years, even with his shitting-under-the-Christmas-tree equivalent back on December 25, 2004.

The question now becomes whethere J.P. Wilson is the college football equiavlent to Cleo Lemon, or vice versa.

My dad went so far as to root against the Dolphins in every single game, whereas I (along with the majority of LSU fans) watched him continue to teach Hollywood Daniels the fundamentals of cornerback play with teary eyes. He had reached the top of the college game; it was only natural for him to move on to the next level. Two years, poor GM decisions, and a 15-17 record later... he's going to Alabama? Like this is two steps higher than LSU? Tiger Town is personally offended to the tune of a bleeding nose in an uptown dive bar. Someone initiate Jimbo Fisher Watch immediately; we're about to lose everyone but Miles and Pellini. I personally can't wait until the Browns offer him something like 7 years, $60 million two years from now and he paces out of Alabama like nothing ever happened. He's the Larry Brown of football.

- No, no, the Boise State/Oklahoma game two nights ago was not the best game ever. When the biggest names involved are Jared Zabransky, Ian Johnson, Paul Thompson, and Chris Pederson, it's nothing more than really exciting football pornography. It was rewarding to wake up in the middle of the third quarter and invest time and attention in an otherwise lackluster game in what felt like the football stadium equivalent of a Hollywood studio (I guess that's fitting) to see two trickeration plays everyone knows by name but rarely sees executed decently. And these were perfect. Hats off to Boise State for shifting the balance of power in college football even further and sending the CFB postseason one step closer to a playoff. One question... why didn't BSU go for two with seven seconds left in regulation? I just kept pulling for the game to continue through multiple overtimes. But get ready for the Ian Johnson for Heisman! campaign next season which will certainly involve Boise State sending 1000 pieces of blue turf to various media outlets.

You don't get many black people when googling 'Ian Johnson.'

- What a terrabull bowl season, though, huh? The first eight or nine games-- the ones that need to be classics simply because they involve teams like East Carolina and Rice-- were blowouts. There were some sizable comebacks along the way; too bad the Minnesota Gophers are the Milwaukee Bucks of college football in terms of evoking emotion. I stayed out till seven on New Year's Eve and didn't wake up until 2 PM. Any other year, I'd be pissed off at myself for missing most of the Cotton and Outback. When the final scores are Penn State 20 Tennessee 10 (1 fumble return for touchdown) and Auburn 17 Nebraska 14 (1 muffed punt inside own fifteen, good work Bill) I think I'll take the morning off.

Nebraska fans are on the fence about you until they've a) made a cereal named after you or b) elected you to political office.

- New Year's Eve story: So I eventually make my way to Ms. Mae's on the swing back from downtown to uptown. With Linell (?) driving us around in his FJ (?) blasting Jim Jones (!), we arrived at the dive bar around 3 AM. We must have been there for a half-hour; I really had no concept of time at this point. In my yellow shirt and purple tie, I was dressed the part of Jackass LSU fan. There was some woman over fifty who either hated LSU or loved ND (probably the former). Anyway, she talked a good game so I humored her back with Tiger Baits and other taunts, all in good fun. Next thing I know, she punches me in the nose near the video poker machines. I mean, she got me; it was bleeding immediately. So I go to the bar to get some napkins and tell the regular bartender that this woman kind of hit me in the face. I expect them to tell her something accordingly, but three or four minutes later, the regular bouncer and a guy claiming to be an undercover cop told me I was being disruptive and asked me to leave. Being hard, I asked to see the cop's badge-- he had one. With the police station across the street, I decided not to say anything else. We then proceeded to stay out till 6:30 at the only bar uptown that I could get into, Snake and Jake's Christmas Lounge. Just be careful with your Tiger Baits, HTFers.

- Hey, there's a football game tonight! So far, I've received about 90 'Hey, ur going to destroy ND 2nite!' [sic] text messages; this is exactly what makes me worried. When's the last time LSU was favored by nine or ten over an eleventh-ranked team and actually dominated them? This game is going to be close for these reasons:

1. Notre Dame has lost eight straight bowl games by 17 ppg. Notre Dame and Weis have read and heard for a month now that they just cannot win a big game. We've got as much speed and talent (I get tired of that word) as ND's previous top-ten opponents (see USC, Michigan, Ohio State). ND's making the big trip to a city glad to welcome them; LSU is traveling a mere 80 miles, and there's a good chance Brandon LaFell left his toothbrush at home. This has fit the bowl game upset formula perfectly, actually.

I love the internet.

2. Give Charlie Weis a month to prepare, see what happens. Is anyone forgetting about Chaz's four Super Bowl rings? Pimpin' had extra time to prepare for big games and squeezed every bit of execution out of his less-talented offensive squad. What's different here? I'm glad Pellini has at least logged some office hours since the Arkansas game.

3. Jessie Daniels and Trin Trin have been suspended indefinitely. Just when I thought we'd survived a week in downtown New Orleans unscathed. Turns out two of my favorite Tigers broke curfew (along with some depth-chart cellar dwellers) and will be suspened accordingly. This might look bad on paper, but remember Country had been injured most of the season (Craig Steltz a worthy backup) and Trin touches the ball about two or three times a game. Still, I'd like to think we're mature enough to get through the bowl week with no disciplinary action.

4. Chris Jackson is keeping a Sugar Bowl diary. Just so you know.

I rode the Sheraton elevator, it was incredible. The bathrooms at Harrah's were just incredible.

5. All eyes on JaMarcus. This can't be a good thing. Remember the week after his 18/20, 3 TD performance against Mississippi State? He entered Florida as a bona fide Heisman candidate and had his worst game of the season with 3 INT. He is most certainly leaving for the NFL draft, leading to...

6. There are distractions across the board. JaMarcus, Glenn Dorsey, Ali Highsmith, and Early Doucet are mulling over their NFL futures. Jimbo Fisher interviewed for the Florida State OC position and now appears to have Alabama's for the taking. Our former coach just left the NFL for a divisional rival. Players' families are all over the city. I just kinda wish we traveled to the Rose Bowl.

*********

Notre Dame has the ball: Look for Weis to set up Brady Quinn with quick throws, similar to our bubble screens and wheel routes, to WRs Samardzija and McKnight. Darius Walker, a mediocre running back, should not amount to much of a factor except on delays, misdirections, and screens. Look for Weis to use LSU's defensive aggression to his advantage. Any passing routes that require more than three or four seconds could become disastrous for the young, undersized Irish offensive line. Any early turnovers for the Irish could eliminate them by halftime, so look for safe drives in the first quarter.

LSU has the ball: The Tigers will most certainly look to run the ball early. The Irish defensive backfield is suspect but will probably replace a linebacker with a DB to compensate. Spreading the defense with three or four wide receivers and following up with delayed runs should prove successful. If the running game is not there, the short-to-immediate timing routes could be dangerous given the Irish have used a month to prepare for them. If the line can give JaMarcus time and room to roll out, the 20-30 yard passes could become our most valuable plays.

Prediction: LSU takes an early lead but sloppy play keeps ND in the game. ND might even take a halftime lead, but LSU's depth takes over in the fourth. LSU 30 ND 21.

*********

HTF sincerely apologizes for the three-week layoff. Mea culpa. I'd like to thank my regular readers, namely Tank, Bubes, Spencer, and Burt, for their input and attention all season. I kinda like this blogging thing, just sorta ran out of things to talk about.

You're welcome.

For those reasons, HTF is technically retiring and moving in spirit to This Ain't No Bank Robbery, hosted by Tank himself. Look for a Sugar Bowl recap, National Championship preview/recap, and NFL playoff preview from me in the next week. Okay, maybe not all three of those.

Tiger. Bait.

- P.T.

These Are the 32 Best? Part 1:

Forgive me for not writing an NFL column in awhile. I’ve mentioned this before, but, somewhere among Brooks Bollinger and Derek Anderson, Kyle Orton and Andrew Walter, I’ve kinda lost interest in the National Football League. Remember, no more than three years ago, these were four quarterbacks who were lucky to escape Big Ten or Pac-10 mediocrity to make a New Year’s Day bowl game. And now they’re currently starting or have started multiple games for the Jets, Browns, Bears, and Raiders.

I'll start the Orton-to-the-Saints rumor if I have to.

I often find myself asking, really, these are the 32 best quarterbacks in the world? Sure, for every Bruce Gradkowski backdooring his way into a starting job, there’s a Matt Schaub still biding his time on the bench, talented yet waiting for a phone call. Someone please give Schaub’s cellphone number to the Raiders before we’re forced to watch Brady Quinn get sacked nineteen times a game next season. Fuck me, indeed.

Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger, Charlie Frye, JP Losman... I can understand the gamble taken with these lesser-known signal-callers. But it’s perplexing to see GMs draft a late-round quarterback who floundered for three years with more surrounding talent than Cutler, Roethlisberger, Frye, and Losman combined. Are we prepared for the Brodie Croyle era in Kansas City should Trent Green get paced again? How about Redskin QB Jason Campbell having trouble with his 2004 Hey, This Guy’s Not Half Bad! impression? By the way, having both Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams in your backfield—in college—tends to augment one’s potential. Just be prepared to see Drew Tate slipping into a Detroit uniform by next November.

Hey, Jay, sorry to be the bearer of bad news... but those are Doug Williams jerseys on the streets.

I’ll rank the current 32 NFL quarterbacks, right now. Not like finals week or anything:

1. Peyton Manning: if Marbles is the Yankees, which he is, then the Dallas and Jacksonville games were Matsui and Sheffield getting paced for the season.
2. Drew Brees: pretty much the reason for this column (see tomorrow).
3. Tom Brady: Montana, rings, Belichick... I'm kind of getting sick of him as well.
4. Carson Palmer: he thinks Flava Flav is smooth and K-Fed is legit.
5. Phillip Rivers: why not? Dude's done nothing to deter an ultra-talented team.
6. Marc Bulger: perhaps the most underrated player in the league.
7. Matt Hasselback: see you in New Orleans in the Divisionals.
8. Tony Romo: Tone-Tone had his inevitable reality check on national television, and it was glorious.
9. Trent Green: probably higher than Romo, whatever. Dude's got one of the most messed-up yet handsome faces ever.

Cro. Magnon.

10. Vince Young: I'm starting to think the world's not prepared for the VY era. He's a consistent Mike Vick.
11. Matthew Leinart: quietly making progress in the Taco, in more ways than one! LOL-vaulting.
12. Michael Vick: Mexico might decide to turn it on right before the playoffs.
13. Chad Pennington: really? Suddenly, the list takes a turn for the worse.
14. Rex Grossman: Rex, you did a lot of coke at UF, no?

... BALLLLL'NNNNNN!

15. Eli Manning: I'm convinced that without the Manning name, I'd be mentioning him right after Brodie.
16. Steve McNair: I'm excited for McNair in the playoffs.
17. Jeff Garcia: it takes a certain 16th-ranked quarterback to get booed for taking a hit and not asking to be benched.
18. Ben Roethlisberger: pacing life.
19. David Garrard: unpolished, inconsistent, from East Carolina.
20. Jake Delhomme: I think daylight came, Jake.
21. Joey Harrington: keep that Mauck business card in your top drawer, Sabes, just in case.
22. Brett Favre: all that matters is he's having fun out there.
23. J.P. Losman: I want to like Buffalo, truthfully. But when's the last time they were relevant?
24. David Carr: I'm wasting a lot of time on this thing.
25. Brad Johnson: all he does is, um, win.
26. Jay Cutler: he's been on the NFL network quite a bit.
27. Alex Smith: really, I don't think I've ever seen an Alex Smith play in my life.
28. Jon Kitna: I'd avoid him in almost every circumstance.

I'm tempted to iMDB Jon... I think he was the requisite schoolyard bully in a made-for-TV Disney movie or two.

29. Jason Campbell: no bitterness from HTF.
30. Derek Anderson: don't worry, Kellen and Braylon are helping build team chemistry as we speak.
31. Bruce Gradkowski: I'm a Bruce Gradkowski fan. He's a name you'll see often on quarterback montages of teams like the Bears.
32. Aaron Brooks/Andrew Walter: the play-in game. Hey, Aaron, you will pay attention to all five of Drew Brees's touchdowns.

I'm tired, I'll try to upload the rest tomorrow. I'm limping to the blogging finish line here; enjoy HTF before I join the TANBR team.

- P.T.

Beatin' These Teams, It's No Big Deal Big Deal:

Dev-Dev, crawllll'nnnnn.

- P.T.

Who's Bo Pelini Most Likely To Pull Out of Chris Owens by the Ear at 3 AM This Winter?

Browsing facebook this morning, I noticed that the ever-active Xavier Carter (what exactly is he doing these days?) had joined another group. This one was titled “LSU should be in the Rose Bowl!” In another vein, he has joined “LSU versus Notre Dame Sugar Bowl” and “LSU owns ND.” Actually, that last one is completely unjustifiable, the all-time series is 5-4 in favor of ND (very few teams have winning records against the Irish). Also, Xavier is a member of “Im tired of BITCHES sayin NIGGAS aint shit when BITCHES aint shit neither.” Seriously, take some time to befriend Pee Wee and peruse his questionable early morning facebook activities; Spencer has taken the extra step of poking X from his facebook mobile. Carter poked back.

Xavier is a valuable facebook entity to say the least.

Still, it’s troubling that Xavier is disappointed with LSU’s current bowl situation; it’s even more troubling that DE Charles Alexander agreed with him. I might be overanalyzing, but, on the small scale, I’m concerned about just how motivated Miles will have the team on January 3. On a larger scale, I’m concerned we’re gradually becoming a program more and more like Florida, Alabama, or Nebraska.

In the two weeks between the victory in Little Rock and the official bowl selection, the program, local media, and fans bathed in a frenzy comparable to 2003’s championship climax. The LSU ticket office dipped into the bottomless well of Rose Bowl tickets, to the tune of 42,000. (Note: it’s not like LSU fans still have those tickets. Bowl seats are sold on the basis of your team playing in that game. As opposed to…) Hotel reservations and plane fares whizzed around like a giddy, hapless governor with nothing more occupying than pointless lobbying.

I totally sat next to her at mass last December in Lafayette. Actually, that was the same day we found out about the Peach Bowl. That's fucking interesting. Could K-Bill be controlling everything?

On a personal level, HTF was preparing the Rose Bowl piece, thinking in his best Jeff Bebe voice: “You know who won the first Rose Bowl? Michigan. Eleven of them, eleven of us.” The popular page header would be adorned with a painstakingly detailed rose around Eddie Fuller’s helmet until the blog’s retirement in January. I even planned on digging up this old gem of an email sent to my father before the Florida game:

> Dad,
>
> I'm thinking I might skip the Monday and Tuesday of
> Thanksgiving week and come in for the Ole Miss game
> and stay that whole week. That would make more
> sense, and as long as I don't have a test on those
> days, I could do it. Just a thought, I'll get back
> to you on it later.
>
> I was thinking randomly today, if we win the rest of
> our games (I think we can), we'd probably get an
> at-large bid to the BCS. Assuming Auburn or an East
> team wins the conference, that would eliminate us
> from playing in the Fiesta or Sugar. Orange gets
> first choice this year, and would probably take
> Michigan at 11-1 against the ACC champion. So
> there's a good chance we'd be going to the Rose Bowl
> (if Ohio State goes to the Fiesta). Yeah, I know
> it's the second day of October...
>
> Pat

We’d bathe in Bacardi Limon. Cigars would be lit. We were going to the fucking Rose Bowl.

Part of me appreciates the #1 all-time ranking in winning percentage, but still, doesn't Michigan kind of roll over in every big game now?

It got to the point that, for some, seeing hated sudden-rival USC lose to UCLA on Saturday became disappointing. Um, this is the same team that has continuously succeeded in undermining the greatest moment of my life, right? Disappointment? The early returns and eventual announcement confirmed what we expected: the Rose Bowl had their desired Big Ten / Pac-10 matchup. Alley and Fave would not be rapping on The Tonight Show.

Fave has a sizable 26-teammate lead over Alley in the best rapper poll.

I know it’s difficult at this point, but reminisce to 2001, when a highly-underrated, Rohan-led offense derailed Tennessee’s national championship shot at Miami. Even the cheapest of hits on our star Jamaican couldn’t prevent an upset by the sudden newcomer, the first team from the West save Alabama to win the conference in, like, a really long time. And we were going to the fucking Sugar Bowl.

So why do these two paths seem so different? Sure, the program has radically changed since 2001 (and Skip Bertman isn’t given nearly enough credit), but doesn’t it feel good to join Florida as the only two schools to make the Final Four and a BCS bowl in the same calendar year? This is our third BCS bowl; no others in the West even come close. Hey, Auburn and 'Bama. We’re leading you both, 3-1. Be glad that $13.5 million is split among the twelve conference members; build yourself a nice new weight room in our name.

The Tide lost to awkward chestbumpers Tom Brady and David Terrell in the '00 Orange.

It will be interesting to see how motivated Coach Miles can get his squad. Because, really, we all laugh about it, but that’s kind of the man’s only job. You’ve got two coordinators who are annual mainstays in the head coach rumor mill; we’ll once again be blessed if Jimbo or Bo doesn’t sign onto the NC State or Arizona State job before New Year’s. But there is a marked difference between playing in a city less than 5 or 6 team members have stepped foot in… and playing eighty miles away. There’s a difference between appearing on national television (I could only hope for a Glenn Dorsey interview)… and having your team party at Zea Rotisserie.

Get ready, Mike VI.

But, on the surface, this shouldn’t be disappointing at all for Tiger fans. We’re fortunate enough to be considered a kneejerk at-large selection; the 2001 team would’ve definitely paced the Peach Bowl in a similar situation. Also, this gives us the rare opportunity for JaMarcus to exercise a Vince Young memorial while pocketing the game’s MVP trophy: “We’ll be back here next year. I’ll be back here next year.”

- P.T.

Liveblogging the BCS Selection Special:

6:49: It really will be interesting to see how FOX does this. Are they going to blow the Glendale load, ABC-style, right from the start? Or will they hold onto the climax until the very end, Prison Break-style? Let's see.

6:50: "College football has been woven into the fabric of America." Yeah, thanks, FOX, the same network that's been giving us only the Cotton Bowl for a decade. I've associated Ron Pitts with a splitting hangover for about five years now.

6:51: Shot of UF fratties... we're officially underway. Sadly, I don't see any dismayed looks in their future. All signs point to UF edging out the Wolverines with a 26-coach lead. Just how many text messages did Urban Meyer send out last night? hey les, ill pay for ur gas to NO myself! hopefully :) thx, urban.

Yeah, the three BCS berths are OK, but I'm beginning to think we're missing a step by not having a team cereal.

6:52: Your suspense-bearing trio: Chris Rose, Charles Davis, and Barry Alvarez. Subtract Chris Rose and Add Thom Brennaman and you have their championship booth trio. I might have a wet dream about Brad Nessler tonight.

6:54: The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #8 Boise State versus #12 Oklahoma. Not that bad a matchup, really. Stoops is probably still the best coach in the land, and Boise State might be the biggest question mark out there. Um, yeah, Dan Hawkins's stock is about as high as Drew Bledsoe's right now. Good luck riding out that contract, Colorado.

Lou Holtz's son?

6:56: Boise State fans in the school gymnasium! Look at 'em cheer! See, they celebrate the same way we do! That's a pimp JCPenney jacket with makeshift Bronco patch HC Chris Peterson is sporting. I'm excited.

6:58: Yeah, that's why the BCS put a fifth game in. It has absolutely nothing to do with money. Just the thought of Boise State players stuck in the MPCComputers.com Bowl was keeping Roy Kramer up at night. Prediction: this is the last year the 'BCS' system is used. It may be similar next year, but the letters 'BCS' have garnered such a sour connotation, I don't see the name surviving.

7:01: Pontiac Game Changing bullshit. There really weren't any spectacular plays that changed the game this season, were there? Can I just vote for Prothro again?

7:02: Verne Lundquist's wet dream of Tebow's jumpshot was shown again... kill me now. I can't wait till Florida gets rolled over and the program is set back a couple years, Nebraska-style. It's making me giddy.

7:02: FOX pretty much just sandwiched two commerical breaks with the Pontiac Game-Changing nominees. Never thought I'd say this, but I miss John "Black Canadian" Saunders.

Clubbin' at The V Foundation afterparty. If there's a God, John Saunders has a myspace.

7:04: Hey, stop showing the Boise State band, will you? I really don't give a shit; this is a team who clearly cannot get any higher than eighth in the rankings in any given season. But they really do manufacture skilled white running backs like potatoes over there. Go back to anonymity, please.

7:05: Your FedEx Orange Bowl pairs #14 Wake Forest against #6 Louisville. This I'm not too intrigued about. Wake Forest might be the ugliest team to win ten games ever, and the Cardinals will sleepwalk through their bowl again. Good luck with those ticket sales, though.

7:07: I'm flattered there's a Bengal Tiger in the Nissan 'Race for the Heisman' commercial. Surely, they must mean Chev-Chev or Justin Vincent.

America's favorite DB. All I want for Christmas is a freaking LSU letter jacket.

7:09: FOX has already given us a clue... all cameras on the Gators. Give us some pain, FOX. I want to see Chad Henne's mom in tears.

7:10: And yes, it's Florida versus Ohio State in the championship game. Personally, I can't wait. Jim Tressel's the best coach in the nation (along with Bob Stoops) and Urban Meyer's still tremendously overrated... some of those third-quarter calls were atrocious last night. Yes, please use three timeouts in the span of seven minutes on January 8. Oh my, indeed.

7:12: Your requisite Urban Meyer interview. Shouldn't all the Florida players be studying for finals right now? Nevermind, I'm pretty sure they're well-prepared.

We're a couple years from the inevitable sexual harassment scandal, just sit tight.

7:14: From one pretentious prick to another, here's James P. Tressel! Always Tressel-like, the man refused to cast a vote in the coaches poll. How about voting for Florida and fueling the rivalry with That School Up North? What a politically correct toolbelt.

7:16: "Just how close was the finish? Try ten one-thousandths of a point." Or, try one one-hundreth of a point, perhaps. Or maybe 10 million trillionths of a point. Barry Alvarez is walking off the set. Really, that finish isn't nearly as close as I'd expect (a 10.69% differential). I think the BCS is just making the numbers smaller so the Chris Roses of the world can get excited.

7:17: "This is the game we're dealt." FOX is certainly starting to build the hype here! I'm definitely calling FedEx with my Alltel to order some Tostitos Hint of Limes for the big game. Mission accomplished.

7:17: And the Alltel Sugar Bowl: Your #4 Tigers versus #11 Notre Dame. Mmmmmmmmm... how excited am I for just one LaRon hit on Brady Quinn? For just one pass to Bowe, Doucet, or Davis in the open field? For the opportunity to see a bigtime LSU game for the first time since Auburn 2005? To be in the dome for the first time since Katrina? Since the national championship? Pasadena freaking sucks this time of year anyway.

No homo.

7:18: Tiger highlights to 'Born on the Bayou.' I'll take it. Any national voicetime for Jim Hawthorne is a good thing. They really do love that Dorsey hit on the Arizona quarterback, for some reason. Sugar Bowl-bound!

7:20: The Rose Bowl: #3 Michigan versus #5 USC. Not too much to say about this one. Two teams who clearly don't want to be in sunny Pasadena in January. At least LSU fans have already started booking flights and hotel rooms, though. Go heckle John David Booty on the Tonight Show with your FUSC shirt; it's well worth it.

Remember, you're still Josh Booty's brother. Even the Browns got rid of him.

7:25: Mike Silve, BCS commissioner. "Attendance is up... interest is up..." Um, Mike, this isn't baseball. The BCS has nothing to do with putting fans in seats of school stadiums. Interest is up because the system is so ridiculous, even the average fan has raised an eyebrow. But, hey, thanks. Chris Rose to Slive: "What are you going to say to Lloyd Carr? To his kids?" Chris Rose has gotten exponentially harder.

7:28: Charles Davis, who is this guy? "I'm excited... I'm excited." I especially enjoy the 'someone should change this' on his Wikipedia page; he's officially FOX material. ABC really let go of this contract at just the right time. And to think, a mere two months ago I thought I'd be drunkenly freezing in Shreveport this bowl season. I love this team.

- P.T.

Miscellany: An Attempt to Win You HTFers Back:

I know, I know, haven't been the best blogger as of late. Like, since the Tennessee game. I'm not even making myself laugh anymore, and no photoshopped image of, say, Tommy Tuberville, with George Michael, on a skislope can change that. Truth is, there's kind of a lot going on in Tigertown right now; you shouldn't have to rely on secondhand news from FOXsports.net or ESPN.

• Hey, it's almost Heisman weekend. How about that Hawaii quarterback, Colt Brennan, freaking tearing it up over there? Can we expect to see an invitation to New York sent his way. Don't count on it:
  

"Brennan plead guilty of burglary and trespassing for his actions that evening. What sounds on the surface like a case of harassment -- entering a co-ed's room uninvited and not leaving -- is much more if you believe the victim's side of the story. Brennan says he was intoxicated and doesn't remember what happened. 'I don't think I touched the girl,' Brennan said Friday. 'The only thing I know is that night I acted inappropriately and didn't leave when I should have.'"

For all we know, Colt performed that, 'the Brennan,' on a co-ed that fateful night.

Um, yeah. So Brennan transferred to the island after doing something with a girl that he can't exactly remember; they tend to look down upon these things at Colorado, especially with Kobe Bryant just chillin' in Eagle County at the time.

Your monkeyface fix. What? No, you're racist.

• Back to last Friday's game. Man, that really escalated! On the opening drive, Arkansas looked like 1994 Nebraska on a double-dose of Justin Gatlin's and Bill Romanowski's medicine combined. It looked like a long afternoon... until we slowly realized H. Dale Nutt scripted the opening drive on Monday and then played Geosense for the rest of the week. The U.S.-only version, if you're scoring at home.

http://www.nuttsucks.com . Traffic spiked Friday sometime around 5:15.

But we slowly settled down, and probably played our most quality offensive game of the season. JaMarcus was efficient as usual, with no stupid interceptions, though I'm not sure it would've mattered. I'll take Russell coming back to atone for his mistakes anywhere; that Tennessee game might become the most important of his career.

• Still, though, someone needs to sit Les Miles down and refresh him: probably not the best idea to let a 6'7", 260-lb. quarterback try to maneuver with the football in small spaces. I don't even blame JaMarcus anymore. I bruised several bones falling off the Miles Fence with that quarterback draw on third and five with two minutes left. Trindon, if you're reading this, just sneak into short-yardage practice this week; he'd be like trying to kill a flea.

Not the most reliable ball handler out there. Luckily, he's got go-go-gadget arms.

• Speaking of Trin... my God. Put that kickoff return right up there with Spears' INT-for-TD, Skyler's Improvisation vs. Georgia, and the Bluegrass Miracle for Desert Island Plays of the Decade. Also, how excited am I to hear the obligatory "Trindon Holliday... he's really small!!" comment for the next three years? Remember, he was in my five names you'll know by October column.

Stay fly.

• McFadden and Jones... what can you say? Since when has a top-ranked defense given up eight or nine yards on a first-down run and felt satisfied? That was Saturday for you. It was just one long finger-crossing until the game rested on Houston Nutt's brain and Casey Dick's arm. Then it was easy. I haven't heard two words worse than 'Wildcat Formation' since 'Peach Bowl.' Sure, you can laugh about the Wildcat formation now, but it was freaking nerve-racking, and certainly will be next November. Darren and Felix, if you're reading, don't hire Maurice Clarett's attorney this offseason; surely you can figure out a way to slip into a Detroit Lions uniform before August.

Googled 'Wildcat formation.' Maybe Verne Lundquist is just an avid airshow fan. They do resemble D-Mac and Felix, though.

• Just how many tickets are we going to sell? 40,000? 50,000? I don't want to jinx anything, but every major sports news source has reported the Rose is going to pace us an invite. It kind of helps that we've already sold 32,000 tickets, 17,000 of which have come since Monday. I'm still thinking that ABC is pressuring the Rose Bowl committee heavily; the Rose is their only BCS bowl and they'd like to make as much money as possible. Notre Dame would provide a slight edge on viewership. That's why Herbstreit acted like Notre Dame-in-the-Rose was a foregone conclusion last Saturday night. We still might be subjected to the Badgers of Wisconsin.

• I freaking hate Pete Carroll. If you're ever frustrated about hearing how much of a 'player's coach' or 'class act' he is, hit play a few times. Go Bruins.

- P.T.

HTF: As Busy as the LSU Ticket Office:



Test tomorrow. I'll blog on everything from bowl predictions to manmutant Darren McFadden (good luck, UF) to the reason a particular Hawaii quarterback wasn't invited to New York.

So in the meantime, enjoy just simply watching other teams beat themselves up this weekend while pulling for UCLA, Florida, and West Virginia in particular.

- P.T.